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Be very afraid…

Ba‘al Zebûb

Ba‘al Zebûb

As mentioned, in an earlier post, I’ve been watching reruns of 10 Years Younger on Channel 4 on Demand (online streaming.) For those not familiar with the show its basically a make-over show. Our Nicky (presenter of  series 1 – 5, Myleene Klass took over series 6 with less spec-tacular results) basically stalks her prey, downtrodden women who’ve lost their mojo on the fringes of society, and transforms them, with the help of her sidekicks, into swans. The aim is to make them look at least 10 years younger than the age a poll of a hundred people thought they were.

“What’s the problem with that?” you ask.  Well, its just the fact that its a supreme bitchfest mascara-ding as a cosmetic loving shoulder to cry on with the add-on benefit of a Wardrobe Redemption. Brilliant!

team nicky

Cruel Intentions // Team Nicky

Its wicked fun. Nicky stalks her prey in say, Walton-On-Thames, par example. Gladys, fish finger feeder, mother of 10, wife of Gary, frequenter of Aldi [cheap supermaché], guzzler of one too many G & Ts… a life of mid-life misery. More wrinkles than a road map. Drabby chic. A worthwhile cause for Nicky H.J. and her sidekicks. Watch them slice off droopy post-natal flab, chemical peel off the patina of too many nights spent at The Sparrow and The Cockatoo drinking establishment, fix that crooked smile of chattery teeth, revitalise those knackered, thinning locks… Oh, yes, they can do wonders. And watch Nicky team with a theme. Concoct outfits of such sheer colour blind audacity that they would leave Sue Pollard reeling. “You look, fahbulous.” Canary yellow cardi? Natch. Boot cut indigo denims? Oh, yeah baby, we’re on a roll! Lime green faux patent belt – our Nicks loves a bit of waist action, she does. Ooooh, she coos, something’s missing. We need a finishing touch. How about… JADE PLATFORM ESPADRILLES? Perfect for the school run and you’d look smashing queuing at the Job Centre or Post Office. Thank me later, sweetie… Honestly.

Gok, you’re on next, you lanky cocktail straw of sartorial derision. You have been Wan-ed…

specsavers

Team With A Theme// Match your specs to your outfit. Clever, no?


Before

Raw Material// My Life In Wolverhampton or Somewhere Similar

bloodbath

Its a bloodbath…

after

Isn’t she lovely? Isn’t she wonderful…

About bloody time, that’s what I say! Just downloaded Rage Against The Machine’s Killing In the Name without even listening to it first. Might be jumping on the sonic bandwagon but me does not care, sweets. The Chronicles of the Desperate Climb of a Tweeny Twerp called Joe Mcelderry. Blaaahhhh.

Enough of this senseless aural torture, of having to listen to glorified departure lounge music Every. Bloody. Crimbo. As some whiney, desperate newly crowned “Star” gives their bloody tonsils a workout in criminal bid to get to number one. Go on RATM, I’m right behind you. At least you’re a real band and not some obnoxious creation from the bowels of Simon “Lucifer” Cowell & Co. Jeeez, its enough reason to bring back public execution at the Tower of London. Off with his HEAD!!! Now that would make my Christmas No.1.

Don’t even get me started on the human mop that goes by the name of Cheryl…

I am something Livid!

[Actually, more to come on Crispy Cole and her Dubious Wardrobe Decisions]